Lost in the Waiting Game; When the Universe Seems Silent?

 Yep! There are moments in life when everything feels still, as if the universe has turned its back on you. You keep reaching, hoping for a sign, for an opportunity, yet all you receive is silence.

Right in this second, I’m a clock ticking in one of those moments, desperately in need of a job, something to hold onto. It feels like no matter how hard I try, the doors just won’t open. Thus with each passing day, I wonder if I’m simply lost in the waiting game, waiting for something- anything-to change that might never see the day in night.

Worse still, my mind has captioned this desolation so deep that my dreams are just as empty; terrible nightmares. I see myself in graves, longing for my mother. I see her but she’s still peacefully asleep; as she should. Now it’s my turn, to be awake yet I see no route out of that graveyard. 

Could this be witchcraft? I period myself this question almost every day, because what! There’s no way a tenacious woman my age would grind so hard to no avail.

Dated the year 2022; the year I graduated, the year I traditionally embraced my husband’s surname and the same year I gave entrepreneurship a chance is the same year I saw hardship not just in letters but also in my life. With my husband’s push I tried to stand but I kept on falling. In ten perfumes that I stocked with my last shillings only three were sold.

Towards the end of that year to the genesis of 2023, still job hunting I joined a network marketing business hopeful for better bread but still, the universe denied me in simplicity. In the same year, still job hunting I entered the realm of online teaching, seeking a fresh direction. However, despite my aspirations, I encountered persistent obstacles that hindered my progress in this new venture. I went from having one student to none, and to this day, that has remained untouched.

Say nothing about my eloquent voice, for I have always known that I could reminisce about all day long. Dated 2024, I thought to consider voices around me that I could make not just bread out of it but butter as well. Déjà vu-my history repeated itself once more. Not even a single gig located me.

Do I use the right tools to market myself? Maybe not but the truth is, all my social media platforms know my name and all my dry tries.

So the question remains; could this be witchcraft or karma crucifying me for the sins my memory has erased? Or could it be lack of persistence that it’s too soon to have given up in this manner?

As loud as these suicidal ideations are, I continue to navigate my unemployment journey, I remain in search of meaning, purpose, and the courage to push forward. Though the path may be uncertain and the waiting endless, I hold on to hope; trusting that somehow it will guide me toward something greater than I could have ever imagined.

Dear hope, save me from emptiness and transform me into something I never believed I could be, something worthy of still having you.

LeleLives✍️